Foto: Dok.Pribadi
Diasuh Oleh: Khotimatul Husna*
Assalamu alaikum
Perkenalkan Ibu nyai, nama saya Ibu Melawati. Saya sudah menikah selama lima tahun dan dikaruniai dua orang anak. Sehari-hari saya bekerja menjaga warung di rumah sekaligus mengurus anak. Begini Ibu nyai, seringkali saya tidak merasa nyaman ketika diajak berhubungan seksual oleh suami ketika saya sedang capek, sakit, bahkan haid. Terkadang kalau saya menolak ajakannya, suami saya marah dan mengatakan bahwa istri wajib melayani suami. Tidak jarang pula ia mengatakan kalau istri menolak akan dilaknat malaikat, dan mengatakan jangan salahkan suami berselingkuh pada perempuan lain. Saya merasa berdosa dan serba salah. Karena ada kondisi saya kelelahan mengurus warung, mengerjakan pekerjaan rumah, dan mengasuh anak-anak di rumah. Sebenarnya apakah boleh istri menolak ajakan suami untuk berhubungan seksual dalam kondisi capek, sakit, dan haid? Lalu bagaimana cara menjelaskannya kepada suami? Mohon pencerahannya Ibu nyai.
Wassalamu alaikum
Ibu Melawati, Tasikmalaya
Wa’alaikumsalam wr. wb.
Ibu Melawati yang baik dan dirahmati Allah
Saya turut bersimpati atas apa yang Ibu alami saat ini. Terima kasih Ibu sudah mempercayai kami untuk membantu memberikan masukan atau solusi atas masalah yang Ibu hadapi. Saya juga memahami dilematis yang ibu hadapi, di mana ibu harus menjaga kondisi badan dan membutuhkan waktu untuk istirahat karena kelelahan, sakit, dan haid, tapi di sisi lain suami ingin melakukan hubungan seksual. Kondisi ini kerap terjadi di dalam hubungan suami istri, dan sebetulnya bisa diselesaikan asalkan dikomunikasikan dengan baik supaya sama-sama saling memahami.
Seringkali tuntutan pemenuhan kebutuhan seksual suami dianggap sebagai bagian dari kewajiban istri yang harus dipenuhi tanpa menghiraukan kondisi istri. Anggapan ini diperkuat oleh teks-teks agama yang semakin menyudutkan istri, salah satunya hadis yang menyatakan bahwa jika istri menolak hubungan seksual, maka akan dilaknat malaikat sampai pagi (HR. Bukhari, Muslim dan Abu Dawud).
Padahal, ‘penolakan’ yang dimaksud adalah jika istri melakukannya dengan sengaja tanpa etika, kasar, dan tanpa alasan yang mendasar. Tetapi bila penolakan dilakukan karena alasan tertentu dan kuat, serta disampaikan dengan cara yang ma’ruf/baik maka tentu perempuan tidak dibebani dengan hukuman sebagaimana disebutkan dalam hadis. Hadis tersebut berlaku juga bagi suami bila meminta berhubungan seksual dengan cara memaksa atau menolak keinginan istri untuk berhubungan seksual dengan cara yang tidak baik. Prinsipnya, hubungan seksual tidak hanya untuk menyenangkan salah satu pihak, tapi untuk menyenangkan dan membahagiakan suami dan istri. Dengan demikian, hubungan seksual harus dilakukan dengan kerelaan dan tanpa unsur paksaan ataupun terpaksa.
Dalam pandangan sebagian ulama fikih kontemporer, seperti az-Zuhaili, dinyatakan bahwa laknat itu turun pada penolakan yang tidak beralasan (min ghair ‘udzrin), dan yang muncul bukan karena sedang memenuhi kewajiban agama (lam yusyghilhâ ‘an al-farâ’idh). Artinya, perempuan berhak menolak ajakan suami yang dipastikan akan menyakitinya, atau ia sedang menunaikan suatu kewajiban (Husein Muhammad, 2000). Dari beberapa pandangan ini, subordinasi seksualitas perempuan terhadap laki-laki tidak mutlak. Ada ruang-ruang di mana perempuan oleh agama dinyatakan berhak menolak ajakan hubungan intim dari suaminya (Faqihuddin Abdul Kodir, 2020).
Ibu berhak menolak berhubungan seksual karena kelelahan disebabkan bekerja untuk penghasilan keluarga dan juga pengasuhan anak, sehingga penolakan tidak dilakukan secara sengaja melainkan dengan alasan yang juga dibenarkan. Apabila suami mengajak berhubungan seksual dalam keadaan haid, maka perlu mengajak suami untuk mendiskusikan tentang etika berhubungan seksual dalam Islam dan menumbuhkan rasa empati kepada istri yang haid. Tuntunan Islam tentang haid ialah tidak menggauli Istri seraya memandang secara simpatik bahwa menstruasi bisa menimbulkan rasa sakit (adza), tidak merendahkan, dan memberikan waktu istirahat pada perempuan untuk mengatasi rasa sakitnya (fa’tazilun nisa’a fil-mahidl).
Ibu Melawati yang dirahmati Allah
Tujuan perkawinan adalah untuk mewujudkan sakinah (ketenangan) yang dihiasi rasa mawaddah wa rahmah (kasih sayang) (QS. Ar- Rum, 21). Baik suami maupun Istri tentu ingin memperoleh ketenangan dalam keluarga, sehingga untuk mencapainya adalah bagaimana saling menumbuhkan dan menguatkan rasa cinta dan kasih sayang antara Ibu dan suami.
Penolakan Ibu untuk melakukan hubungan seksual bisa disampaikan dengan cinta dan sayang pula, sehingga suami tidak merasa ditinggalkan dan terabaikan. Ibu juga bisa menyampaikan kepada suami tentang dampak negatif yang Ibu alami jika dipaksakan melakukan hubungan seksual dalam kondisi yang tidak memungkinkan.
Hubungan suami dan istri dalam Alquran disebutkan sebagai pakaian saling melengkapi, menutupi dan menghangatkan. Keduanya berada dalam relasi yang setara Hunna libâsun lakum, wa antum libâsun lahunna (QS. Al-Baqarah, 187.) yang artinya “perempuan adalah pakaian laki-laki, dan laki-laki adalah pakaian bagi perempuan”. Oleh karenanya dibutuhkan hubungan kesalingan dan kerjasama dalam relasi keduanya.
Ibu dengan suami juga bisa mulai membahas pembagian kerja di rumah tangga dan pengasuhan anak. Berbagi peran dalam tugas domestik akan meringankan beban salah satu pihak dan berdampak pada harmonisnya hubungan dalam keluarga, termasuk dalam hubungan seksual yang berkualitas.
Semoga jawaban ini bermanfaat dan dapat membantu Ibu dalam menyelesaikan masalah. Mudah-mudahan Ibu dan suami dapat bermusyawarah dan berdiskusi dengan baik dalam mengambil keputusan. Terima kasih atas perhatiannya. Selamat berkarya.
Wassalamualaikum wr. wb.
*Pengasuh Rubrik Tanya Jawab adalah Ketua PW Fatayat NU Yogyakarta
Similar Posts:
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- Korban Kekerasan Seksual Membutuhkan Perlindungan
- Musdah Mulia: “Tidak Boleh Ada Manusia yang Diperlakukan secara Semena-mena dengan Kekerasan apapun Bentuknya” (Part II)
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