Father, Let’s Take Care of Children with Mother

Dr. Nur Rofiah, Bil. Uzm.

The closeness of a child with his/her mother can be awakened since he/she was in the womb. For approximately nine months the child has become an inseparable part of motherhood. After birth, the child and his mother were again connected through the process of breastfeeding for about two years. Meanwhile, even though children also come from father’s sperm, naturally children and fathers do not experience the process that unites them in the same self. After the child is born, there is no natural process that brings them closer together.

This process causes biological and emotional differences in the relationship between child and mother with the relationship between child and father. The relevant children and mothers are biologically more easily identified than with fathers. Emotional closeness with the child can run naturally, while with his father must be sought. From the mother, a child learns about selfless love and from the child’s father learns about the love that is fought for. This difference in biological and emotional impacts shows that fathers need certain efforts to be close to their children.

Unfortunately, many people think that the obligation of fathers is to earn a living then also holds that raising children is a mother’s duty. Father is then considered normal if he rarely interacts with children. Many activities that can actually bring children closer to their father are seen as taboo by certain cultures. For example bathing children, changing their diapers, preparing food and milk, feeding food, and other activities. Not infrequently the authority of a father is built by educating children to be afraid of him so that the father is not skilled at expressing affection by praising or showing it by rubbing his head, kissing, hugging or otherwise.

The view that a reasonable father is far from his child is also reflected in the community’s response to women who work to support their families. Women were warned not to forget their nature as a wife and mother. After returning home, they must perform duties as wife and mother as women who do not work. This message is of course very good. The problem is why the same message is not directed at men. Does working for a family also be a reason for them not to forget a nature as husband and father? Don’t men also have to carry out their duties as husbands and fathers well?

When a father has been deemed reasonable away from children, or forgets his nature as a father, then in fact we are building a fatherless country, a country that allows children to have children but grow up without father or social orphans. As a result, the character and potential of children are hampered to develop in a balanced and maximal manner. Though balance (tawazun) is important in the process of forming a child’s character so that they do not get caught up in extreme attitudes. The combination of love between father and mother allows children to learn in an integrated manner so that they can be assertive without being rude, humble without feeling inferior, confident without being arrogant, saving without being stingy, generous without extravagance, and other moderate attitudes, both in worldly and hereafter life.

Father and Child Care

Said Nursi Hoca Efendi, a cleric or ulema from Turkey, answered in a unique way when he was asked why in Islam men and women must marry before sexual intercourse. According to him, “When a man wants to enjoy the pleasures that last for eight minutes, at most he only loses eight lira. It is unfair if the result of the pleasure that is shared between men and women for eight minutes is only borne by women alone for eight months. “

Marriage thus has a spiritual and social moral function so that a child can grow and develop in care with his father and mother. This function also seems to be obtained from the heredity tradition by brazing the name of the father in the name of the child. In a social system like this, a man cannot deny his responsibilities as a father because the community easily knows his position as father through the name of a child. An important point in the association of a child to a father even without interpreting it in the child’s name is the father’s responsibility for the child.

The Qur’an itself tells directly the dialogue between children and their parents. Interestingly is the fact that dialogue between fathers is dominant. Of the 17 clusters of verses scattered in 9 letters, 14 clusters of verses are about dialogue between children and fathers, 2 clusters of dialogues with mothers, and 1 clump of dialogue with both. Verses about dialogue between children and their fathers are in Qs. Al-Baqarah / 2: 130-133 between Prophet Ibrahim As with his father and between the Prophet Ya’qub As and his son, Qs. Al-An’am / 6: 74 between Prophet Ibrahim As with his father, Qs. Hud / 11: 42-43 between Prophet Hud As and his son, Qs. Yusuf / 12: 4-5 between Prophet Yusuf As with his father, 11-14, 16-18, 63-67, 81-87, 94-98 contains the dialogue story of the Prophet Ya’qub As with his son, 99-100 between Prophet Yusuf As with his father, Maryam / 19: 41-48 between Prophet Ibrahim As and his father, Qs. Al-Qashash / 28: 26 between Shaykh Madyan and his daughter, Qs. Luqman / 31: 13-19 between Luqman and his son, Ash-Shaffat / 37: 102 between Prophet Ibrahim As and his son Ismail. Two clusters of verses about the dialogue between mother and child are Qs. Maryam / 9: 23-26 between Mary and her fetus and Al-Qasas / 28: 11 between Mother Moses and her daughter and a clump of verses about dialogue between children and their parents are Qs. Al-Ahqaf / 46: 17 between two parents with an anonymous child.

Legendary figures related to children’s education by parents in the Qur’an are also fathers, namely Luqman recorded in Qs. Luqman / 31: 12-19 as follows:

Ibn Kathir in the book Tafsir Al-Qur’an al-Adhim wrote a history of the decline of this story relating to Qs. Al-An’am / 6: 82:

When the Messenger of Allah reading this verse, the Companions then conveyed their difficulties in keeping the faith of injustice (shirk). The verse about Luqman thus goes down to give instructions on how to educate children to avoid these behaviors. Faith in God that encourages human behavior and prevents tyranny must be instilled early.

The story of Luqman contains fundamental values ​​that govern the relationship between humans and God and with His creatures. The story begins with the message of thanking God, but the benefits of this attitude do not return to God, but to humans themselves. According to Mustafa al-Maraghi in the Tafsir al-Maraghi gratitude by praising Allah directs people to the right things, love of kindness towards fellow human beings, and directs humans to utilize all members of the body and all the favors that they obtain for obedience to Him.

Luqman’s gratitude to God for being gifted with children, encourages him to be a father to educate the child directly about the fundamental values ​​of life, namely Tawheed (only obeying God) which is interwoven with benefit. Therefore, obeying anything such as wealth, throne, sex, physical perfection, tribe, nation, sex, etc. and anyone other than Allah like a king, a figure, a parent or child, a husband or wife can give birth to great tyranny, both for themselves and for other people and nature. Shirk becomes synonymous with great tyranny (dzulmun adhim). Luqman teaches his child that Tawheed as the basis of spiritual relations (the relationship between children and God) is also the basis of parental relations (between children and parents) and positive social relations (between children and society and their environment).Tawhid provides guidance in building proportional parental relations in which parents and children treat each other humanely. According to Quraish Shihab in the Tafsir al-Mishbah the choice of the word yaidhuhu which means giving advice about virtue in a way that touches the heart and said Ya Bunayya (O my son) exemplifies the way parents communicate with loving children without shouting. Parents treat children lovingly. But Luqman as a father also advised that devoted children to both parents, especially having experienced a sense of misery multiplied (wahnan ‘ala wahnin) because her body became the place where the eggs and sperm become fetus in the womb for months until born as a baby and then give milk for two years. A child’s devotion is a way of thanking the parents who gave birth to it, just as the service of a servant to God is a way of being grateful for creating it. Tawhid-based parental relations prohibit the devotion of children to parents in shirk. Children may not be filial in this matter, even though they must be polite to parents. Sayyid Quthub asserted that the difference in the matter of aqidah with parents does not abort the obligation of children to do well in the case of muamalah with them.

Luqman also taught his son Tawhid as the basis of proportional social relations. Faith gives birth to the awareness that every human action is always supervised by God so that there is no reply. Therefore, humans are commanded to pray for the confirmation of faith and the same is commanded to call for goodness and prevent evil. Good faith and prayer are reflected by good social behavior. In carrying out this social role, monotheism limits it so that it is carried out with patience in accepting the consequences, without arrogance for example by using arbitrary power, and by maintaining a balance so as not to cause damage.

Luqman set an example on how a father must be directly involved in instilling fundamental values ​​in children from an early age so that they  will not  fall over  in a behavior of worship except  Allah or associate him with anyone else shirk. If  since the early age children had been educated for not being shirk, then they can avoid great tyranny. The closeness of a father and child as shown by Luqman was also shown by the attitude of the Prophet. His preoccupation with guiding the human being is in no way an excuse to prevent him from being directly involved in childcare. In fact, a good attitude towards the family is the foundation for a good attitude in society.

The Messenger of Allah reportedly actively building emotional closeness with his children and grandchildren by kissing, hugging, holding, etc. to the extent that they were amazed because people were not used to it. For example Aisyah’s testimony ra about the closeness of the Prophet with her daughter named Fatimah ra as the following:

Likewise the attitude of him to his grandson as narrated by Abu Hurairah ra .:

Besides giving the example directly, the Prophet. also reprimands his society that treats children in an unfair way and reminiscent of the need to maintain the taqwa of Allah by treating the children fairly. The narrator of the Prophet’s companions An-Nu’man bin Basyir ra. show this:

The father’s involvement in child rearing and closeness with the son as shown by  the Prophet PBUH indicates that education and child care are not the sole responsibility of the mother, but also the responsibility of the father. Every parents includes a father who wants his son to succeed in the world  should  be directly involved in instilling and replicating the fundamental values ​​of life in the child as the logical consequence of the such expectations.

Balance

Islam actually has a guide to balance the role of father and mother as parents in child care. The dominance of children’s dialogue with the father as a parent in the Qur’an shows the importance of the father’s role to be directly involved in child rearing. However, this does not necessarily indicate that the role of a mother in child care is not important.

The pre-Islamic Arab community is known for its patriarchy. Men are considered very high, but women are lowered until they are inherited as wealth. A boy can receive his own maternal heritage when his father died. As a heir, he can marry his mother with another man and receive a dowry from the marriage, or forbid him for a lifetime, or even marry her or make her as a wife. In a tradition like this, mothers do not get a place worthy of being regarded as parents. A child only wants to be known as his father’s son as stated in nasab. Instead they are ashamed of being the mother of his mother. Even a mother’s term has a negative connotation as a child born of adultery.

Islam strictly forbids the tradition of inheriting women (Qs. An-Nisa / 4: 19) and innicated marriages including marrying the maternal mother which is a direct effect (an-Nisa / 4: 23). This prohibition is accompanied by repeated warnings in the Qur’an and Hadith that the parents of the child are two, namely, father and mother. Therefore, any mention of the word walidan or walidain in the Qur’an and hadith has a special social meaning, the command to admit the mother as a parent. The story of Luqman above also gives special attention to the position of a mother as a parent who is also entitled to child devotion because it has experienced difficulty during pregnancy and breastfeeding. 

Some hadiths also emphasize the importance of a devoted child not only to father but also to mothers. For example the following hadith:

The dominance of the paragraphs on the dialogue between a child and a father rather than a child with a mother and both parents in the Qur’an does not necessarily indicate the role of a mother in directing her child because the role of a mother is a necessity. Similarly, emphasis on the command of the child’s devotion to the mother three times compared to the father in the above hadith also did not show the child’s devotion to father because father’s devotion to a father is a necessity.

The dominance of child and father dialogue and the devoted emphasis on his second mother has the same spirit that is the balance of both parents to function as parents, and the balance of the child in the service of both.

Community Parenting

In Society there are lucky children to have fathers and mothers, but because something is obstructed to play the role of parents. For example those who because of work or business demands must travel often so rarely meet with children. When at home and with children are kept busy with business or other things through the phone. Some parents must travel out of town or out of the country for months and even years. Some are divorced in a bad way so the child is having difficulty meeting one of his parents. Not even a few parents, especially fathers, who intentionally abandoned their children and their wives. They are children who have father but lost father figure.

On the contrary there are disadvantaged children to have fathers and mothers because they died while they were growing up, even before they were born. But they have father and mother figures in their lives. They may be relatives such as brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, or others, can also others such as teachers in schools, community leaders, and others.

The Prophet himself passed through childhood without father for his death when he was still in the womb. The mother then died when she was six years old. However, the Messenger of Allah had a parenting figure who cared for him when he was a kid, uncle and aunty, then his grandfather and grandmother. After adulthood, Prophet Muhammad PBUH and his extended family also shoulder to play the role of parents for their own children, as well as the parents figure for orphans whose father died on the battlefield, as well as the children of the poor and neglected or orphans socially, as told by this long enough history:

One day the Messenger of Allah came out for Eid al-Fitr. Then he saw the little ones playing happily and saw a little boy crying sobbing in the other corner. The Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) approached and asked: “Why are we crying?” The child who did not know that he was the Prophet said: “My father died in war with the Messenger of Allah. Then the mother got married to another man. My stepfather then chased me and ate my property so I was abandoned. Today I see my friends playing happily, and I’m more sad. “The Prophet seized his hand and asked:” Would you like me to be your father, Aishah as your mother, Ali as your uncle, Hasan and Husein as your brother, and Fatimah as your sister “The boy was surprised to realize that the person who asked was the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) then replied:” How could I not want to be the Messenger of Allah? “So the Messenger of Allah took him to his house, changed his clothes to the best clothes, Upon completion, the child left the house happily joining other children. The kids were surprised and asked: “What are you crying now laughing happily?” He replied: “I was hungry now full. Only I wear shabby clothes, now good. I was orphaned, now I have the Messenger of Allah as my father, Aishah as my mother, Ali as my uncle, Hasan and Husein as my older brother, and Fatimah as my sister. “

The above story demonstrates that everyone can be a parent or sibling figure for his or her own children or siblings and every family-like community can also function as a family for children who have no parents or family. These instructions adequately address the needs of every child in adults who help him meet physical needs such as clothing, food, and board, emotional needs as loved, valued, acceptable, and spiritual needs such as guidance to be close to God. While this need is sometimes difficult to meet biological parents, either for social reasons, or for deaths that can pick up anytime.

Community Parenting (parenting by the community) is a pattern of parenting that is shared by a community. Adult men in this community open themselves to become fathers fathers and adult women become the mother figure for all the children in the community. Adult men and women together become figures that play the role of parents. This community-based child-care pattern can actually be run by a pesantren community. Some pesantrens have even been deliberately managed with this kind of consciousness.

Each santri during the pesantren is separated from their parents so that they do not have a parent who carries directly. Pesantren that are managed pesantren like a big family take over the role of the family.  The Nyai  (wife of Kyai or woman leader of the pesantren) and the ustadzah (teachers) play they role as the mother, Pak Kiai and the ustadz play as a father, all the older brothers become older, and all the younger brothers become the younger ones. Affordable boarding establishes strong emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual bonds among all members of its large family can produce skilled santri-santri in undergoing worldly life and his later life. The students may not be paralyzed by parents, but they do not lose even having a lot of parenting figures in pesantren.

Outside the pesantren, the Community of Tanoker Ledokombo Jember is an important example of this Community Parenting. Ledokombo Village residents travel overseas as migrant workers so many children live with grandparents, uncles, brothers or other relatives. Children grow up and grow without the presence of parents near them. The Tanoker community conducts a cultural strategy in the form of Egrang (bamboo and coconut shell toys) mobilizing various community activities so that strong emotional bonds between adults and children are created. This proximity encourages males to be the figure of fathers and adult women to be the mother figure for all the children in the community.

Egrang then also became a trade mark of creative economic development that enable the community economy. The physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual needs of children are met together so that the child can grow up to the maximum. Nowadays, Tanoker is developing an integrated nursing system by utilizing communication technology involving parents, schools or madrasah or boarding schools or clerical places, local governments, and caretaker caregivers in the care of migrant children (ABM) that enable parents to remain active in parenting child distance even though distance (Distance Parenting).

Community Parenting answers the child’s needs over the parental role of parenting in childcare that necessitates the involvement of both father and mother or their figure directly in child care. The Qur’an confirms that a child is a father and mother. The division of labour between both of them is not necessarily ruin the shared responsibility to take care of the children. Rasulullah Saw has even described how to become a person of good quality even though the orphans have since been small due to the parents figure in his life, as well as how to figure out how to be a parent figure especially the father for his children.

So, if since 1400 years ago the Qur’an has indicated the importance of father’s involvement in nurturing and educating his children, and since then the Messenger of Allah himself has provided an example to be a father who is directly involved in nurturing and educating his children, even becoming father figure for his own children, then imitating who are the real fathers today who still refuse to be directly involved in their own childcare and education? Who still looks at the taboo to take care of the needs of the children themselves? Who still thinks that dad’s duty is to earn a living without having to close in the heart of the child? Even those who still abandon their own children? That certainly did not emulate the Messenger of Allah. Wallahu A’lam.

Literature

Al-Bukhari, Abu Abdillah Muhammad ibn Isma’il, Shahih al-Bukhari, Dar al-Kutub al-Ilmiyah, Beirut, 2001.

Al-Khubawi, Usman bin Hasan bin Ahmad Syakir. Durratun Nashihin, Surabaya, Syirkah Ahmad bin Saad bin Nabhan wa Auladuh.

Ali Engineer, Asghar, Women’s Rights in Islam, Farid Wajdi and Cici Farkha Assegaf, Yogyakarta, LSPPA, 1994.

Al-Maraghi, Ahmad Musthafa, Tafsir Al-Maraghi, 1974.

Fromm, Erich, The Art of Loving, Shafie ‘Alielha, Jakarta, Fresh Book, 2002.

Ibn Katsir, Abil Fida Ismail Ad-Damasyqi, Tafsir Al-Qur’an al-‘Adhim, Singapore, Kutanahazu Pinag.

Quthb, Sayyid, Tafsir Fi Zhilalil Qur’an, Cairo, Darus Syauq, 1968.

Shihab, M. Qurais, Tafsir Al-Misbah Message, Impact and Compatibility of the Qur’an, Jakarta, Lentera Hati, 2002.

Said Nursi, Bediuzzaman, Guidance for Women, translator Fauzi Faisal Bahreisy and Joko Prayitno, Jakarta, Anatolia Prenada Media Group, 2009.

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