Muhyiddin Abdusshomad

Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

Dear Kyai, I am Ahmad Aziz, a husband and father of 3 children (male and female) where the eldest is a male who is growing to be a teenager (is about to graduate from elementary school). According to our plan and his own willingness, he will continue his education at pesantren.

He has been circumcised some time ago but seems to have not had a wet dream yet (nocturnal emission). Actually, I want to discuss such a thing with him for his knowledge as he grows up apart from us. However, I still hesitate to talk about it because for me this matter is taboo. But on the other hand, I am worried that he would fall into free commingling, considering that we have found him smoking with some of his friends who are still ABG (teenagers) too.

Pak. Kyai, what should we do as parents? Please give us advice, and thank you for the answers.


Ahmad Azis, Ungaran



Waalaikum salam, Dear Ahmad Aziz. 

Your decision to send your children to a pesantren is the right decision. You, as a father, have carried out the mandate from Allah SWT. to educate children as well as possible so as not to leave our children in a weak condition, Allah says:

And let those [executors and guardians] fear [injustice] as if they [themselves] had left weak offspring behind and feared for them. So let them fear Allah and speak words of appropriate justice (QS. Al Nisa, 9). 

There are two weaknesses that often make the children worry i.e. economic weakness and weakness of faith that must be addressed as early as possible in various appropriate ways. To overcome economic weaknesses, parents are supposed to provide lessons such as the skills to survive and work well. While for children’s faith weaknesses, the parents must give important attention by finding effective way that is the parents are required to provide adequate religious education for their children so that they would grow to be the people who have a greater chance for achieving happiness in the world and the hereafter.

There are two things that the parents must concern in educating their children. First, make sure they mingle with the good community. Parents should not ignore with whom their children commingle. If a child is close to someone, recognize that person’s profile more deeply. If a friend does not give a positive impact, parents should guide the child in a way that could be accepted by him because the child’s behavior is often affected or influenced by the behavior of his friends. 

In a Syair (poetic verse), it is mentioned: “Anil mar-i laa tas-al wasala qariinihi, Fakullu qariinin bilmuqaarini muqtadi.” (You don’t need to ask about someone but ask who his friends are. Person’s behavior is reflected by whom they are commingling) (Ta’lim al Muta’allim, 17). We, as the parents, must strive as much as possible for our children to be close to the righteous people and the ulama. What is the purpose? In order that our children get a blessing from them. This is ordered by God in His word: 

And keep thy soul content with those who call on their Lord morning and evening, seeking His Face; and let not thine eyes pass beyond them, seeking the pomp and glitter of this Life; no obey any whose heart We have permitted to neglect the remembrance of Us, one who follows his own desires, whose case has gone beyond all bounds. (QS Al-Kahfi, 28)

Today, it is very difficult to find a child growing up to be a good person amidst bad commingling. Therefore, the parents must be proactive in determining their child’s social environment. If it is too late, he will be affected by negative things which then become his habits and characters recorded in his sub-consciousness so that it is very difficult to change. While finding answers together regarding the matter of ‘wet dreams’ by reading books on reproductive health or browsing the internet together should be appreciated as a step to build dialogue and put trust and values in children that they must be responsible people.

Second, the parents must always pray for their children. No matter how hard your efforts are, as there would be no maximum results without prayer. We can only plan, while Allah would determine the results. Even the Prophet Ibrahim, as a lover of Allah, is always praying for the good of his children:

“My Lord, make me an establisher of prayer, and [many] from my descendants. Our Lord, and accept my supplication”

A Khalilullah (lover of Allah) like him still feels the need to pray his descendants, furthermore ourselves as ordinary servants before God Almighty. We should not get bored of praying for the good of our children in the world and the hereafter. The prayer that we usually read is the prayer of ‘Ibadur Rahman’ (the servants of Allah, The Most Merciful) which is mentioned in the Qur’an as follows:

And those who say, “Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.” (QS. Al Furqan : 74)

With these two efforts, with the will of God, your child will later grow into a devout child and makes proud of his parents, both in the world and the hereafter.{}

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