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Wary If Our Beloved is a Doer of Violence ! : Fokus 41st Edition

Monday, May 6th, 2013 06.46 By Kusumaningtyas

“ I am a 22 years single woman, having a permanent job which can be proud. Nowdays, I have a boyfriend who often smack or curse if he is angry or has a problem. I have tried to admonish him but it still happen and again. Lattermost, I was smacked because He thought that I did not obey his advice, How is the solution ? Does my beloved have a mental disruption ?

The above statement taken by the writer from a part of consultation at a site Psycology of Faculty in Muara Kudus University. This situation, may occur among a couple who is falling in love and they think that “ The world is only theirs. “ 

However, according to Nur Hidayat Handayani, the chief of Independence Teenagers Alliance ( ARI ), based on her axperience in having discussion among the teenagers, from 20 teenagers who is having a special relationship ( Dating ) almost half of them ever had violence ( in different acts ) by their own beloved. Recently, we are strenuoused by shocking news about violence which accured in one of the Indonesian actrees, Ardina Rasti by her beloved Eza Gionino who has the same profession. The act of violences diverse and often recured. Starting from controlled SMS, e-mail, or Rasti’s BBM, until act smacking. As a result, Eza Gionino is accusationed crime of unpleasant acts and persecution, threatened 2 years prisoned. 

Violence in having relationship or dating violence is a second case that often occured after marriage violence. By the data of Rifka Annisa noticed a startling fact that dating violence is in the second position after the violence in marriage. Noticed from 1994 – 2011 ( Januari – October ) Rifka Annisa has handed 4.952 violence cases in women. The first position is  Violence After Marriage with 3274 cases, the second is dating violence noted 836 cases. 

Same as the data above, WCC South Sumatera has noticed 237 cases of violence against women occured in 2012. 33 cases of them is dating violence. According to the Director of WCC South Sumatra in Palembang. Yeni Roslaini Izzi, some of the dating violence that they are handling occured because of sexual intercourse before marriage done by the couple in dating. The victims of dating violence often get dificulties in ensnaring the doer to the law process, because the acts was done by the victim and doer without witness. Generally, the doer broke the promise to the victim after promising to marry the victim after sexual intercourse. But in fact, after the victim was raped, the doer break the dating with the victim.

Understanding the meaning of “Dating” 

Befofe conceiving about “ dating violence” for further, it would be better if we comprehend the meaning of “ dating “. Evidently, many experts comprehend and give the definition of dating. Benokraitis (1996) said that dating is a process where someone meet another in a social context with the purpose to fathom the possibility of someone to be the couple of their life. According to Saxton (In Bowman, 1978) dating is an occasion which has been planned consist of many activities between two persons (usually done by unmarried teenagers or adults in different sexes)

Kyns (1989) append that dating is a relationship among two persons in different sexes and having emotional commitment that the relationship based on certain feelings in their heart. According to Reiss (in Duvall & Miller, 1985) dating is a relation among a man and woman which tinged intimacy. Papalia, Olds & Feldman (2004), intimacy involved sense of ownership. Having honesty to share important information about personal self to others (self disclosure) become the basic element of intimacy. Based on the statements above, can be inferred that dating is series of together activities tinged intimacy (such as sense of ownership and self disclosure) and having emotional commitment among unmarried male and female with the aim of knowing each other and looking for suitability each other as a consideration before marriage. 

In Terminology of Islam, “dating” surely unknown. However, effort to knowing fellow human is a natural tendency for human being. As a natural tendency for human beeing as a social creature having tendency to socializing or interacting which in Al Quran Language called as “ Ta’aruf “. Ta’aruf  come from a word ‘arafa which means recognizing,knowing, understanding. In the derivative form, ta’aruf means recognizing each other, knowing, and understanding each other in the reality of human beeing pluralism. In a marriage context, ta’aruf is a preliminary of khitbah or engagement. Therefore, ta’aruf become important to the fiance or fiancee (including both of their family) knowing each other especiallly the background of the family, personality aspect and their culture. To avoid ignorance caused by not implemented ta’aruf, will inflict bad impact to the future life. For instance, after marriage known that the husband or wife obviously a drug addictor or having dishonest nature. This condition ought not to be happened if both knowing each other. It is perhaps Rasulullah commanded to one of his comrades who will get married to “ notice”, specifically knowing and recognizing, who will be his wife. Surely, it is also prevail to the fiancee to recognzing and knowing who is her husband in the future. 

In islam, there is not permitted to having dating, hence, dating commitment  has no legal implications at all. The only commitment before marriage is  engagement (khitbah). In the fiqh women of four madzhab mentioned that the purpose of khitbah is to knowing and recognizing each other (ta’aruf) so the persons who will get married feel compatibility or not, in behavior, temperament, tendency, the future aim, as well as principles and norm adopted by each.

What is “ dating violence “ ?

Violence is act of violence toward the unmarried couple which includes phisical violence, psycology and economic. The subject of the violence embrace all violence done in the intimacy relation outside of marriage such as ex-husband, ex-beloved, and the couple (beloved). 

According to Office on Violence Against Women (OVW) of the U.S Department of Justice dating violence “ Dating violence is controlling, abusive, and agressive behaviour in a romantic relationship. It occurs in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships and can include verbal, emotional, phisical, or sexual abuse, or  a combination of these.” 

The forms of violence are quite diverse and relatively common encountered in dating as follows : 


  • From the term of physical, for example smacking, kicking, or pinching.


  • From the term of mental, usually, jealous, excessive jealous, coercion, and rude behavior in public.
  • Form the term of economic, for instance, there is a couple who often borrows some money, and asks to buy unreasonable things without never returning back anymore.
  • From the term of psycology, for example, if your couple often insult you, always measure kindness other without regard your goodness, envious and more.
  • From the term of sexual is a couple who force his couple to do sexual intercourse, raping, etc. 



Sexual intercourse in the dating also includes in the act of raping category. It occurs where the man  forces his sexual desire to the woman whereas the woman refused. Although it is done by her own couple, this act is in raping category. In the other word, forcing to do sex intercourse among two persons known each other is “ date “ or “ acquaintance rape “ ( raping in a date or raping done by known person ). During this time, people presume that raping is always done by unknown person ( although it oftens occur ). Actually based on the data from United States of America, 80 % raping victims said that they recognized the doer of the raping. It means that the doer of the raping is known by the victims as if their beloved, friend, uncle, etc. While the ages of the victims are mostly among 15 – 25 years old. Just remember that raping is a form of sway and control from the doer and has no relation with love at all !

The phenomenon of dating violence is now growing rapidly with the advancement of information technology so as people can have relationship in long distance by telephone ( handphone dating ) as well as by the cyber dating. The usage of the two technologies lead  to create violence in dating by cyber dating. In the handphone dating,the doer of the violence generally call their beloved at midnight and force to serve the communication by the phone for a long hours, making seduction and the last time is asking to do sexual intercourse. Meanwhile, the phenomenon of cyber dating violence increasingly widespread since the internet access can easily found with a low cost which can lead the customers open the porn site. In the room of internet shop, with high wall separator the male usually asks his beloved to open the porn site together and forces her to act improperly actions done by the unmarried couple by emulating the scene as the are watching in the porn site, and sometimes they record their scene and upload it to the internet site. Even, there is a beloved who deceive his couple to be an object of sexual wager in his peer groups. This situation trigger to create sex gathering as occured in Situbondo city as publicated in some social media in a few past time. Seriuos awareness to against the phenomenon of dating cyber violence, inspired emersion of an action named Don’t be Naked In front of the Camera (DNIC) which launched on 11 April 2007. This action started by a group of adolescent in a discussion event with collegers of FISIKOM UPN Jogjakarta. The aim of this action is trying to spread message not to be trapped in the flow of pornography.

The Impact of Dating Violence Toward the Victim

It has been explained about dating violence that can caused physical or psychological effect to the victim. Remember that relation in dating is very romantic or even they think that their beloved are only theirs, therefore, the phenomenon of dating violence encountered frequently reflecting this ownership. Violence experienced by someone as a treatment from her beloved often caused frightened to the victim. One of them is the case of R, 28 years old as we quoted from a site below :

“ My beloved is extremely possesive. Only the first four months the dating feels lovely, the rest, starting appears the real character, he is highly temperamental. If there is something  unsuitable with his volition, he will be furious,  by throwing the glassware in his boarding house room, so he has to buy new glassware every week. In the begining of the second year, he starts use his hand for hitting me. Even, both of my hands held very tightly and he  trembled me while he was furious which  resulting bruising on my hands.   

His possessive behavior shown with a strict control, he must know wherever I go and with whom I am. Even, once, while he was out of town, but I didn’t dare to going anywhere  because I was afraid if he gave me a call and I was not in my dorm, so he could get very angry to me. I could only stay in my room fearfully.”

In the dating violence most of the victims are women. It is often caused by ineequality relation among the men and women adopted by the public in general. Women, according to the sight of the men, are weak creatures, submissive, passive, as the main reason occurrence arbitrarily treatment. Along with the times, the victim in dating violence will assume the treatment that they experienced as something reasonable. Whereas, it can inhibit teen’s development in learning a good relationship. The impacts that can be resulted such as : depression, blame themselves, feeling frightened overshadowed by terror, feeling disgrace, feeling mournful, cofused, attemp to suicide, anxious, unconfident to themselves and other people, feeling guilty.

Finding The Causative Factor and Root of the Problem in dating violence

Why it occurs dating violence ? What are the causative factors ? The following statements are the causative factors occurrence dating violence, they are :

  1. Parenting pattern and family environment less pleasant. Family is the most influence social environment in forming one’s personality. Emotional problems which get less attention by the parents can cause problems towards individual in the future. For example, cruel attitude of the parents , various kinds of repudiation from the parent towards existence child, and sense of discipline taught excessively. Those things can influence to the character (role model) adopted by the children in their future as adults. If the role model adopted by the childen since their chilhood inappropriate with a normal model or general model, then the acts such as dating violence will appear again. 
  2. Peer Group, peers having a great influence in contributing toward the aggressive behavior can caused higher number of violence among the couple. Making friends with companion who often involved in violence can easily increase the risk involved violence in dating with the couple.
  3. Mass media, Television, or film also giving the contribution towards appearance of aggressive behavior to the couple. The acts of violence that often appears in the TV programme or acts of sexual in a certain film can create violence towards the couple.
  4. Personality, theory of the nature said that person with the typical of personality A is faster to be aggressive then typical of personality B ( Glass, 1997 ). And it is also prevail to self-esteeem had by someone. As high as self-esteem owned by one, so he has more chance to act aggressively. 
  5. The gender role, in many cases, victims in dating violence are female. It is related to social culture aspect that named the role of gender which distinguish male and female. The male required to have masculine image and brave, whereas female is feminine and graceful. Male also seen normal if they are aggressive, while the female expected to restrained the male aggressiveness.

Otherwise, the phenomenon of dating violence occur because of strong sense dependence towards the couple which are commonly occur in the female teens often called by “ co-dependence”. Sense of dependence such as to be accompanied and taken wherever they will go by their beloved, can not make decision without approval from their beloved, it is the way that make the female often trapped in the circle or cycle of violence. Violence that they experienced is normal “considered” they accepted, so they can easily forgive their couple. After forgive behavior of their couple,             

They can reconciled again, and always hope that the behavior and the character of her couple can be changed. 

Besides, dating violence likely something patterned, having a cycle. Someone who tend to have rude sense towards the couple, will tend to repeat the same thing because it is a part of his behavior, and it is the way for him to face the conflict or problem. 

Perspective Islam of Dating Violence

In Islam, never known a name of “ dating “ but it doesn’t mean that there is no chance to do ta’aruf at all, in the meaning of learning to socializing with others and developing ability to keep in touch in a good way ( ma’ruf  ). Islam does not prohibit men and women to know each other and keep in touch. Remember, knowing each other among the human being, any kind of gender or background and tribes is a natural. Assessment toward their primacy, is not determined by gender, race, or coloured skin. But their compliance to Allah S.W.T, as revealed in Quran chapter Al Hujurat verse number 13 : 

Which meaning is : 

“ O mankind ! We created you from a single ( pair ) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes that ye may know each other ( not that ye may despise each other ). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of ALLAH is ( he who is ) the most righteous of you. And ALLAH has full knowledge and is well-acquainted ( with all things ).

( Quran, Chapter Al Hujurat  Verse number 13 )

Islam also teach us about keeping our privates ( maintain the organs and function of reproducion ) the teaching of keeping our privates or maintain the organs and reproducion function itself, strongly associated with one of the basic priciple of Islam Teaching ( al-ushuliyyah al-khamsah ) which is the right to develope the heredity or reproduction ( Hifzhu al-Nasl ).  Giving the right information about the rights and healthy, reproduction, and sexuality, denoted of  an effort this Hifzhu al-Nasl.  It is important in order to understand the teenagers, if a marriage addressed to reach serenity and peace of heart ( sakinah ), which is marked with love (  mawaddah ) and affection ( rahmah ) ; then the relation must be built in the term of ta’aruf  should be based on mu’asyarah bi al-ma’ruf. 

In the context of keeping heredity (Hifzhu al-Nasl ) kinds of possibility sacrilege act towards the couple during  ta’aruf  should be avoided. Remember, unequal relation or losing control of the situation to the awareness can caused someone trapped in despicable behavior. One of them is, not giving the chance to presence of sexual violence with the comply of Islam teaching not to get close to the adultery. In one of the Al Quran’s verses stated that : 

Means : 

” Nor come nigh to adultery:for it is a shameful ( deed ) and an evil, opening the road ( to other evils ) 

( Quran; Al Isra ; 32 ) 

The name of  “ raping “ itself also unknown in Islam, remember that sexual intercourse which occurs often assumed with consensual or in the category of this “ adultery “. Whereas, it does not rule out the possibility that many things about what is happening this time as a free sex occurs among the teens, essentially is raping. In some countries which use Islamic law such as Iran, Arabic, or Pakistan, the doer of adultery before marriage will be punished with rajam ( throwing stones until die ). However, in addressing the phenomenon of sexual coition before marriage in Indonesia, particularly resulting unwanted pregnancy solved by marrying the couple, so in the public known by the name of “ married by accident “ ( MBA ). The 53rd article in compilation of Islamic law stated : a pregnant woman out of wedlock, can be married to the man who impregnate. Marriage with the pregnant woman can be held without waiting for the baby is born previously. By holding marriage when the woman is pregnant, it is not required re-marriage after the baby born. The condition is precisely potential aggravating woman’s fettle is she was the victim of raping ( although by her own beloved ). Remembering, bacause of the violence cycle make them like living together with their enemy. 

Love to the human should not exaggerate so that lead us loss of control to ourselves. A mahfuzhat said “ ahbib habiibaka ‘asaa an yakuuna habiibaka yauman maa. “ ( Love your beloved simply, as if he/she would be your enemy someday. And hostile your enemy simply, as if he/she would be your beloved someday ). So, love yourself and learn to love someone wisely. {}By Kusumaningtyas.               




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