The Mutual Commitment Pact (Pakta Kesalingan): Symbolising Harmony and Weaving Equality in Marriage

The views and opinions expressed in this blog piece are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Musawah.

“We shall love, care for, appreciate, and respect one another in the family life we build together.”

The aforementioned quote constitutes the first line of the Pakta Kesalingan (Mutual Commitment Pact) uttered jointly by the bride and groom during the marriage ceremony. In practice, it is difficult to synchronise the reading smoothly. Sometimes the groom reads too soon, while at other times the bride takes the lead. This illustrates that building a household requires mutual harmony to form a strong marriage bond. Neither should jump ahead, focusing only on one own interest while leaving the other behind or disregarded. A household must be formed cooperatively utilising mutuality concept as described in the Mutual commitment Pact (Pakta Kesalingan).

 

Pakta Kesalingan: Pioneering Equality in Marriage

Dust rose as the wheels of our dear friend’s car—a specialist in Islamic family law—began to hit the road as we drove to the wedding venue on Saturday morning. We were attending a wedding ceremony in a village in South Lampung. As part of my research on the reading of Pakta Kesalingan, I was able to attend a meeting organised by one of the KUA’s leaders in Batanghari, South Lampung, Drs. H. Em Sapri Ende, M. Sy.

This study is part of a wider research project initiated by Musawah (Malaysia) to investigate innovative approaches to the marriage process as alternatives to standard hierarchical marital partnerships. Musawah is a global movement that advocates for equality and justice within Muslim families, with a focus on defending the human rights of women living in Muslim communities. The purpose of this study is to discover strategies that encourage more equitable marriages. Furthermore, the study looks at the lived experiences of both men and women in marriage to better understand the obstacles they face and to gain insight into change attempts.

It took us some time to finally locate the wedding site. Fortunately, while driving, we noticed a convoy of cars ahead, which we assumed belonged to the groom’s relatives. We decided to follow them, and they directed us to the correct venue. When we arrived, the road to the site was decorated with flower bouquets congratulating the bride and groom. According to a local friend, some of the messages on the bouquets were really filthy. Entering the site was easy because the other guests assumed we were members of the groom’s family, thus the three of us were warmly greeted. After meeting the officiant, we were able to sit with the groom’s family.

For the convenience of the marriage ceremony, a table with surrounding chairs is placed in the centre of the stage, as is customary in Indonesian weddings. In some instances, the ceremony is conducted within a mosque. For families of middle to upper socioeconomic status, the celebration is often held in hotels or designated function halls. Guests, typically extended family members and close friends, are seated at the rear to observe the events. The bride and groom are seated side by side at the central table. Adjacent to them are the officiant and the bride’s father, and two witnesses seated on either side of the couple. The ceremony begins with the officiant stating the administrative processes, registering the marriage, and explaining reading of Pakta Kesalingan, including the divorce provision (shighat ta’lik talak). Subsequently, the exchange of vows takes place between the groom and the bride’s father, under the officiant’s supervision. The ijab and kabul  (the offer of marriage and acceptance) ceremonies went well and did not need to be redone. Everyone looked relieved and smiled brightly. According to interviews, several grooms were quite nervous on their wedding day because they had to pronounce the ijab and kabul sentences in one breath. Following the ijab and kabul, the penghulu gave the bride and groom a piece of paper to read together, The Pakta Kesalingan.

This contract establishes Pakta Kesalingan, which contains five essential commitments that, husband and wife, solemnly undertake together:

1. We shall love, care for, appreciate, and respect one another in the family life we build together.
2. We vow to supporting and assisting one another, working hard together, and making the necessary sacrifices to create a peaceful, loving, and compassionate family.
3. We pledge to uphold the values of open communication and mutual consultation when dealing with and resolving family issues and disagreements.
4. We promise not to resolve any conflicts using violence or intimidation, whether physical, mental, spiritual, or financial.
5. We commit to support and pray for each other’s happiness and success, seeking Allah SWT’s blessings on our family.

With full awareness and free will, and without any kind of coercion, we therefore solemnly declare this Mutual Agreement, with the goal of nurturing a family founded on peace, love, and compassion under Allah SWT’s blessing.

Signed by the husband and wife.

The Pakta Kesalingan is an innovative practice implemented at the Batanghari KUA to promote marriage equality between husband and wife. The development of this pact took such a process, that Pa Em Sapri Ende, the then-head of the Batanghari KUA, was inspired to draft and implement the agreement in his office.

Rahima, a Jakarta-based non-governmental organisation focused on gender equality in Islam, established a program in 2017 to train marriage officiants in four Indonesian regions—two in Lampung and two in Yogyakarta—on how to promote gender equality within marriage. The course aims to provide marriage officers, counsellors, and advisors with a gender perspective in order to promote harmonious and balanced family relationships, known as sakinah families.

Rahima collaborated with Damar, a local NGO in Lampung, and obtained support from Rutgers’ Prevention+ initiative. Their collaborative effort aimed at male religious leaders, particularly marriage registrars, to assist prevent violence against women. This training resulted in the Pakta Kesalingan, which was drafted by one of the marriage registrars, Pa Em Sapri Ende. Pa Sapri implemented this arrangement in the religious affairs office (KUA) in Batanghari, East Lampung, where he was employed. He made it essential for couples to read the Pakta Kesalingan at their wedding ceremony. This agreement is a novel and inventive addition to the traditional recitation of the sighat ta’lik talak (conditions permitting the wife to request a divorce), which takes place after the wedding ceremony. The pact encourages couples to actively commit to a harmonious marriage.

At the beginning of the training process, there was significant resistance to the ideas of gender equality. One of the facilitators, Kyai Faqihuddin Abdul Kodir, suggested simplifying the terminology to make it easier for participants to understand. By using the mubadalah method, these ideas of equality were gradually accepted. The participants then drafted proposals at their respective KUA offices that aligned with these principles of equality. Pa Em Sapri expressed delighted in having created these proposals, which he said were inspired by the five pillars of the Sakina family. The Rahima project is an innovative initiative that should be adopted, maintained, and monitored throughout its implementation and, if possible, expanded to other KUA offices across Indonesia.

The Pakta Kesalingan first introduce in premarital course session (Suscatin), which couples must attend when registering their marriage. Similar to other KUA (Office of Religious Affairs where the couple register the marriage), at the Batanghari KUA, the Suscatin course is conducted alternately by marriage registrars (Penghulu) and counsellors (penyuluh), alongside health workers from the local community health centre who provide information on reproductive health and prevention of domestic violence. The content presented by marriage registrars and counsellors covers marriage advice—focusing on building a harmonious family, preventing marital violence, reproductive rights, and psychological aspects of marriage—including reading the Pakta Kesalingan information during the marriage ceremony.

The four pillars of a harmonious family—zawaj, mitsaqon gholidzan, mu’asyaroh bil ma’ruf, and ridlo—are key topics discussed by counsellors and religious leaders during pre-marriage course. To support this, the Ministry of Religious Affairs has developed a module titled “Fondasi Keluarga Sakinah: Bacaan Mandiri Bagi Calon Pasangan Suami Istri ( Foundations of a Harmonious Family: Self-Study for Prospective Married Couples).” This module is provided as training to marriage registrars at every KUA office across Indonesia. After completing the training, these registrars share and promote the module’s content to prospective couples during pre-marriage courses (Suscatin).

Mutual Pact: A Symbol of the Couple’s Commitment and a Space for Negotiation

The bride and groom recite the Pakta Kesalingan shortly after their wedding ceremony. This moment is witnessed by the guests, making it both special and sacred. The pact is intended to inspire everyone present by sharing the couple’s promises to each other. Beyond its significance during the ceremony, the pact serves as a lasting reminder for the couple to uphold these commitments throughout their married life. Many people appreciate this significant ritual as part of the couple’s process. In addition, the groom may choose to recite the shighat taklik as an alternative option.

The Pakta Kesalingan emphasises the need of creating a married life full of mutual love, respect, support, and assistance in order to raise a harmonious family. It also represents a commitment to live together in peace, harmony, and violent free.

Interviews with couples who read the Pakta Kesalingan revealed that they were able to have more flexible relationships and work together to manage their houses. However, these relationships are the outcome of continual negotiations among the parties. While the conventional assumption that men are the head of the household and the sole breadwinners persists, women are more versatile, both in terms of working outside the home and sharing domestic tasks more flexible.

To some extent, women’s capacity to traverse traditional idealised roles in marriage is influenced by the knowledge and insights they get from premarital courses and the Pakta Kesalingan‘s stipulations. They also believe that a strong marriage should be built on mutual love, support, and understanding.

Through this research, I gained valuable insights from ordinary couples belong to lower-middle-class backgrounds about their modest lifestyles. Although they aspire to a better life, they live modesty. At the beginning of their marriages, they also engage in what Deniz Kandiyoti describes as a “continuous negotiation”—a process of bargaining with the strong patriarchal culture in their region regarding the expectations placed on their lives.

For the couples I interviewed, marriage means companionship, an act of worship (ibadah), and the hope of being lifelong partners both in this world and the hereafter. Their goal is to build a marriage founded on sakinah (peace), mawaddah (love), and rahmah (mercy). The terms referred to as the “marriage verse,” derived from the Qur’an, Surah Ar-Rum (20), verse 21.

Although it is still too early to draw definitive conclusions since their marriages are just beginning, the knowledge they gained from the pre-marriage course has already influenced their understanding and helped shape their married life. Moreover, the motivation to truly understand one another plays an important role in guiding their daily practices as a couple.

The ability of marriage registrars and counselors to share meaningful content about building harmonious family life is vital. This effort becomes even more effective when approached from a gender perspective, promoting equality and partnership within marriage. Encouragingly, this focus on egalitarian relationships is starting to gain support from various stakeholders, including the government, NGOs, institutions, and individuals dedicated to fair and balanced marriages.

As the wedding ceremony came to an end, we said our goodbyes to the family. This research journey has made a deep impact on me, especially as a researcher. I’ve come to realise that the preparations before marriage are far more than just formalities—they play a crucial role in building positive communication and fostering a healthy attitude within the household.This study emphasises the vital role of marriage registrars and counsellors in promoting values and messages about harmonious and equal marital relationships. Incorporating a gender perspective in their work helps foster balanced partnerships between husbands and wives, preventing unfairness and domination by either party. Ensuring this approach is effective as a shared responsibility, requiring collective support—particularly from the government as the policy maker—by implementing the reading of the Pakta Kesalingan in KUA offices throughout Indonesia.

 

This article has been published on https://www.musawah.org/blog/the-mutual-commitment-pact-pakta-kesalingan-harmony-and-equality-in-marriage/

Similar Posts:

• On the Secret (Sirri) Marriage
• Establishing Sakinah (Tranquil) Family
• Interpreting the Concept of “Gender Justice Family”
• Let’s Get Back to the Ultimate Goal of Marriage
• Educating Children Needs Parents as Role Models